My answer to this question, No;)!
This question comes on the heels of an incident that happened where I had gone to my husband, you know, to get him on my side of course, lol, regarding a situation that occurred between myself and a friend. Well, I’ve been with this man for over 20 years now, I should have known better;)! Backstory on my husband: He loves me and will protect me and our kids with everything in him but he does not “Aid & Abete”! Lol! Never really has (for me or anybody for that matter) and from the looks of his consistent pattern, I don’t think he ever will! Now as one can gather, this has caused some serious contention in our relationship, I mean, my thinking is, even if I’m LOUD and WRONG, you got me, right?!? Umm, No!
I use to think that this “call me out on my CRAP” mentality came from him knowing that as the baby of my HUGE family, I was somewhat use to being “Wrong yet “Defended”, therefore he was not about to perpetuate the dysfunction. Well, as he would never admit to that, I think that’s part of it, lol. However I think the real reason my husband rarely defends me (Disclaimer: He most certainly will “DEFEND ME” when I’m right, “ONLY”, when I’m right) is because it’s honestly just who is. Now before you cry a river for me, this “when you’re wrong, you’re wrong” demeanor is not just laid out for me, his wife, he’s pretty consistent (depending on what the issue is of course) with family and friends. I can recall a few instances when people would tell him a story, wanting him to get behind them and his response, classic my husband, “but wait, what did “YOU” say before that”? Lol. My husband is “risk averse” (he’s an Accountant by trade), meaning he takes no firm stances and makes no emotional moves without first calculating the cost associated with such gestures). Therefore, in my conversations with him about what somebody did and/or said to me that hurt or offended me, he empathizes, assures me it’s all going to work itself out but not before he asks, “wait, now what transpired before all of that”:).
Now fast forward our lives together. There’s been a marriage, birth of our kids, a devastating divorce and a remarriage. You would think “surely”, at this point in our relationship, he would be more lenient with me and be more apt to just agree for the sake of keeping “peace”, you know, since we’ve been through so much already….Umm, No:). Lol! So what all of this “Not defending me” every time I bring something to him has done to and for me is this. Knowing what I know about “how” my husband will respond when I bring something to him where I want him to immediately take my side, no questions asked, now days, I pause, sometimes right in the middle of a disagreement with a friend or family member and I ask the question to myself, how can you avoid this becoming bigger than what it really is? I STOP! Before I speak hurt, which will then give the other person an out before they hurt or offend me. Now disclaimer, does THAT happen all the time??? Ummm, No! Lol!
But for the most part, knowing that my ace, my ride or die, my number 1 fan, is “NOT” going to uphold or defend me once I “curse” this person out (as a matter of fact, if I’m wrong, he’s going to “lovingly” make me see it from their point of view which instinctively, for me, creates empathy, then an apology, UGH!!! Lol!), forces me to sometimes step back and try my best to see my fault in the misunderstanding. So as I stated at the beginning of this blog, dude’s got my back, all day, “when I’m right” but what has made me a better friend, sister, aunt, cousin and even a better mom and wife, has honestly been those times when he didn’t (have my back), when I was wrong. I’m better because of him! Thanks for “calling me on my crap” Pondy”! And being brave enough to “not defend” the sometimes indefensible. Okay, let’s be real, most days, thank you, not all! Lol! #HowMyDivorceSavedMyMarriage #HMDSMM