I remember when I moved out of the house, well, when the kids and I moved out of the house, I had purchased a home not too far away from the home that my husband and I once shared. It was awesome, it seemed. I was moving on with my life but okay, not too far away from the old life that I once knew. It seemed that “life after separation and subsequently divorce” would be alright. I thought, “I can do this”! but then night fell. The nights were, for some reason, the worst for me. I remember smiling all day having very in-depth and thought-provoking conversations with my co-workers about, the hottest shoes for the Fall and who was dating who at the office, lol! Conversations that were about absolutely nothing but they made me smile & laugh for a little while anyways, a definite change from my personal life. I played and cooed with my babies after I would pick them up from daycare. We tickled and giggled and ran throughout the house letting out these LOUD bursts of laughter. Everything seemed to be “normal”, well, until the night came.
I can honestly say, just about every night while in my new house, my BIG beautiful home that I had purchased all by myself…I cried like a baby. Tears fell in my sleep I think because I had cried so much. I would cry out almost in pain, asking God to please hear my prayer and to no longer be silent regarding my situation. I wanted him to take away all of this pain and hurt that seemed almost unbearable! However there was absolute Silence. Nothing. All you could hear were the sounds of my deep & sometimes uncontrollable moans & continuous crying. I was alone (right where God wanted and needed me to be) and the pain of my broken heart was almost too much for me to bear. I wanted this part of the test to be over. I wanted the pain to STOP! However, I had realized later, that there was something bigger to come out of this. There was a purpose that had to be fulfilled. I visualized God sitting up high, looking down on me and holding and rocking me in his arms, all the while wishing he could instantly take away my hurt. As his child, I know it must have been hard to see me in that place but he couldn’t and he wouldn’t, stop the pain. What I had to do, after this, was much bigger than the pain I was experiencing at that very moment. Therefore he ignored my pleas to “make it stop” all the while holding me up.
God needed me to feel every bit of that broken heart so that I could, today, stand before you and so many others and proclaim that he is good and merciful and that weeping really does endure for the night but Joy will most certainly come in the morning. This is my morning yall! I’m living in it everyday (my morning) full of joy and not just because a marriage or a relationship was restored but because “I”/We were restored. God not only healed my broken heart but he restored my faith and my love in him (God) through that entire process. That once traumatic pain has given way to an unshakeable faith in God and a renewed, almost giddy school girl love for my husband. I now love him like God loves him, with all of his flaws and imperfections, as we all have, I love him more because of them. Through all the pain that he (God) watched me endure, he knew in the end, that there was PURPOSE in it and for that, I’m grateful. #MyDivorceSavedMyMarriage